FuckityFUCKfuck...

I know I'm exceptionally hard on myself... well... almost all of the time....

But I'm an idiot. My whole problem of "maybe if I was ridiculously skinny and prettier someone would love me!" has reared its ugly head again... but in a different fashion...

Enter.... self loathing!

It seems no matter what I do... every male I've ever been interested in either a) goes retarded beyond belief, and I don't want them around me or my kids as a result.... b) decides I'm awesome, if only they could change everything about me... or c) even though they care, and know that I care... decides whatever is super tall and/or super skinny, and/or super stupid... is winner winner chicken dinner!

What about me is so fucking undesirable that I am... repeatedly... only good enough for flings, trysts, but... nothing beyond? Do I need to lose like 20 lbs and half my brain cells? Or is it just something about Erin... that disgusts people? I know I'm not a bad person... in fact... I'm quite a good one... ask any of my close friends... they know I do anything for people that I can.

I mean... I just want to know... I'm open for suggestions at this point.. My ex husband wanted to change me.. because I wasn't good enough... the ex boyfriends have all been pieces of work.. even dating back way way way back to high school. Am I missing something? I just want to know at this point... so if it's something simple I can fix it... and if it's just humanity and men being stupid and not knowing what they could have that is right in front of them until it's too late... then I can take solace in the fact that it's not my problem. And I'll get to turn THEM down 10 years from now.

I just don't get it.

This is why I haven't posted in quite some time. I've been upset. Oh yes, I've even cried. Erin.. cry. Imagine.

Since I last posted... I've switched schedules at work, gotten a raise. Adopted a deaf ferret (who is such a sweetie). I've cut my hair. I've gotten more tattoo work done. I've taken the kids to the zoo. I've done all this stuff... happy stuff.... but it's all superceded by my endless misery over the other half of the species. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone. But I hate the thought of that. I also hate the thought of waiting until I'm 40, and no longer attractive before I find "the one".

Maybe I'm just not dealing with aging well. I just turned 29. (my birthday was the first good one i've had in years.. so thats a bright spot) But I'm 11 years away from 40. I used to think 21 was old. Then it was 30. Now that I'm 29, I'm looking at 30 as not so bad... but 40 isn't far off, and that seems like a death sentence. I dunno. I'm a mess. Fuck.

I just want someone to have fun with and the only thing that seems to give two shits if I'm on this planet, or notices how sweet and loving and awesome I am... is a fucking lesbian. (Nothing against lesbians, I love you all, but its just not my thing)

Fucking christ my life is upsetting right now. I just dont get it. At all. *sigh*

Oh well, cest la vie, I suppose. I'm going to bed. And trying not to cry myself to sleep.