Questions, Observations, Realizations..

The past week so many things have happened that are just insanely retarded... which makes me ask the following things....

Don't you just love it when.. a man all of a sudden reverts to the mentality of a 5 year old boy? Just because he's scared of god knows what?

Furthermore, dont you love it more when that same guy then wont even answer a simple non-related question?

But... I also have to ask... when did corporate america just turn into a high school... just one that you get paid at? And dont you just love it when unintentionally.. you're absolutely intrigued with just how many people one of your coworkers and friends... is trying to sleep with all at the same time? I shouldn't care, but watching her, is like watching a horrific soap opera.

OHH!, What about... when you've lived with a boyfriend... once you break up, and they move out of your place... all is well.... right? Well, I have to say, I just LOVE it when I find something that his idiotic dog did.. that just brings back memories of everything. What the fuck kind of dog EATS A WALL?! Having to fix this crap... makes me never want to date again. Amazing.

On a good note... I've discovered that bowling is therapeutic for the soul. I have not laughed as much, or as hard, as I did on Friday night in a very long time. Dont you love when the people a couple lanes over from you, are so bad, that you could throw yourself down the lane and do better? We had an old man to our left, that was getting jiggy with not only his wife, (with style circa 1983)... but also his son, and his daughters and her friends. He was a bit TOO friendly, perhaps mormon, but his dancing was priceless. To our right.. we had a very big woman who did a flappy arm dance after each frame... her retarded (no I'm not joking, I think he was retarded) counterpart... well he did this head down, run at the lane, and flung the ball with all his might... and did a raptor claw motion with his hands to further direct the ball... and their alien looking friend... seriously, the girl looked like a shapeless alien. It was hilarious on all sides!

And... hugs are awesome... which I knew.. just realizing it again... but my faith in their soul warming ability has been renewed. It makes me happy.

And now I have to go move the rest of the stuff out of my old apartment. LAME!

Moving....

I hate moving. I don't know that there is a word to describe how much I hate moving. Maybe.. that I "mega-loathe" it? (Please tell me someone got that reference.)

Anywho... my apartment is in shambles... stuff everywhere... and we only managed to get ONE.. yes.. ONE load over to the new place today. I don't know where the day went. I even woke up relatively early... mostly because I went to bed insanely early last night. I was tired. I cant party 2 weekends in a row. I'm getting old. But not too old for beer-pong.. I kick ass at that shit.

Whatever the case... next time I move I think I'm going to hire a small army. I don't even have that much stuff.. this shouldn't be that hard!! I think its an issue of motivation. Oh well.

I do really dig the new place though... I have skylights in the living room.. so this winter when the thundersnow hits I'll be able to watch it from the couch. :) Ahhh... now hopefully we'll get most of the stuff moved tomorrow so I can enjoy the new place, and the space I'll have. That would be yippie skippy nifty.

Annnnndd... off to dreamland I go.

FuckityFUCKfuck...

I know I'm exceptionally hard on myself... well... almost all of the time....

But I'm an idiot. My whole problem of "maybe if I was ridiculously skinny and prettier someone would love me!" has reared its ugly head again... but in a different fashion...

Enter.... self loathing!

It seems no matter what I do... every male I've ever been interested in either a) goes retarded beyond belief, and I don't want them around me or my kids as a result.... b) decides I'm awesome, if only they could change everything about me... or c) even though they care, and know that I care... decides whatever is super tall and/or super skinny, and/or super stupid... is winner winner chicken dinner!

What about me is so fucking undesirable that I am... repeatedly... only good enough for flings, trysts, but... nothing beyond? Do I need to lose like 20 lbs and half my brain cells? Or is it just something about Erin... that disgusts people? I know I'm not a bad person... in fact... I'm quite a good one... ask any of my close friends... they know I do anything for people that I can.

I mean... I just want to know... I'm open for suggestions at this point.. My ex husband wanted to change me.. because I wasn't good enough... the ex boyfriends have all been pieces of work.. even dating back way way way back to high school. Am I missing something? I just want to know at this point... so if it's something simple I can fix it... and if it's just humanity and men being stupid and not knowing what they could have that is right in front of them until it's too late... then I can take solace in the fact that it's not my problem. And I'll get to turn THEM down 10 years from now.

I just don't get it.

This is why I haven't posted in quite some time. I've been upset. Oh yes, I've even cried. Erin.. cry. Imagine.

Since I last posted... I've switched schedules at work, gotten a raise. Adopted a deaf ferret (who is such a sweetie). I've cut my hair. I've gotten more tattoo work done. I've taken the kids to the zoo. I've done all this stuff... happy stuff.... but it's all superceded by my endless misery over the other half of the species. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone. But I hate the thought of that. I also hate the thought of waiting until I'm 40, and no longer attractive before I find "the one".

Maybe I'm just not dealing with aging well. I just turned 29. (my birthday was the first good one i've had in years.. so thats a bright spot) But I'm 11 years away from 40. I used to think 21 was old. Then it was 30. Now that I'm 29, I'm looking at 30 as not so bad... but 40 isn't far off, and that seems like a death sentence. I dunno. I'm a mess. Fuck.

I just want someone to have fun with and the only thing that seems to give two shits if I'm on this planet, or notices how sweet and loving and awesome I am... is a fucking lesbian. (Nothing against lesbians, I love you all, but its just not my thing)

Fucking christ my life is upsetting right now. I just dont get it. At all. *sigh*

Oh well, cest la vie, I suppose. I'm going to bed. And trying not to cry myself to sleep.