Fat.. not phat...

I made a pineapple beef curry tonight... it was actually pretty good... but now I feel like a huge fatass.

I know I'm really not "fat"... but... I still feel it. I look in the mirror and kinda wanna hurl. I know I'll never be the scrawny little waif girl I'd like to be, but... that doesn't keep me from wanting to be that. I just feel fat. And not phat.

It's probably an unhealthy mental preoccupation.

I had my episode last Sunday where I worked out.. then swam for like an hour.. then ran 8 ish miles later that day... and that sucked.. I hurt all over from that one for a couple days. But I'm feeling compelled to keep doing that until a) I cant feel anymore... or b) I don't feel like a fatass.

Whats sad... is I know exactly why I feel like a complete and utter fatass. And it's stupid. Insanely, and completely... stupid. I shouldn't even care that every guy I have known since probably H.S. has only found scrawny bitches that couldn't defend themselves if their lives depended on it... attractive. Me? I'm always 2nd choice. 3rd choice. 20th choice. And I fucking hate it. But yet... I still "care". But why? You'd think I'd be okay with the fact that at least people still find me somewhat attractive... but no.. that's not good enough. You'd think I could take some solace in the fact that I'm not helpless. But again.. no. I'm insane enough to feel like a flawed, disgusting, creature, 95% of the time... the other 5% I'm asleep.. You'd think that I'd just decide that eventually... someone will love me for who I am... but, the people that always love me for who I am.. I have no interest in. I don't see that changing.

SO.. I guess I better do something with myself so someone I may actually find intriguing... will find me intriguing as well.

Maybe I just need to resolve to the fact that I'll never be with anyone... so to get over it... but as much as I love my fur-babies... I really dont want to become a crazy ferret lady either.

Either way.. I think it's time for a diet, and lots of exercise. So... at least when I end up alone, it'll be by choice... and not because I'm just not pretty enough or good enough for someone.

*le sigh*

I hate life sometimes.