bahizzle humbizzle. thats white cali girl ghetto for bah humbug.

BAH!! Today has been a weird day.. well.. strike that. It didn't start off weird.. it started off awesome.. not much better than waking up in someone's arms, kinda just lets you know that everything's gonna be JUST fine. So that was fantastic.

But.. as the day went on.. it just got crappier. I dont even know what set me off.. actually I do, halfassed explaining reasonings behind certain tattoos... that was my first bad moment (in my head at least) but I just found myself in more and more of a funk as the day went on. With a feeling like I needed to escape. But I don't even know what from. I'm not trapped, I'm actually (all things considered) quite happy. But I had this horrible feeling of self doubt, self loathing, disdain for humanity, fear of happiness (because once happiness ends, sadness begins)... You name it, if it was negative? I was feeling it.

So I really just wanted to crawl back in bed and die, at least for a little while, but I didn't. I stayed put.. picked up the kids, came back in the snow, and sat. AND sat. And sat some more. Sitting has become the enemy, because sitting leads to thinking. And deep thought.. at least with me, often leads to crying and/or fairly odd realizations.

Odd realization number one.. self destruction is far worse for those around you than you realize. I didn't realize it until I saw someone truly dislike a situation and have that look of defeat on their face. That same look I had probably the last 2 years I was living in Cali. That look that says "I'm well aware there's nothing left for me there except family, but what beyond that?" It's a really painful thing to witness having been in that boat before. If hugs could make everything like that go away, I'd hug the dude that had that look on his face for a day straight. Just cause I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

Odd realization number two.. I can laugh about things, even when they're things that make me sad... and there's one more person on the list of people that can see it on my face when I do that, as of this morning. That takes that list up to about 4. Impressive. Too bad I can never admit they're right... I just look away. Why the fuck can I not be vulnerable with anyone?

Odd realization number three.. I want... more badly than I probably should.. to be able to make everybody happy, and it absolutely kills me when I cant. It's only an odd realization because I'm well aware that generally speaking, I'm not that happy of a person except when in the company of a select few that bring out the happy version of me. I love that version of me.

Odd realization number four.. Spike must be a psychic. I asked him how work was going... and he asked me how my crying was going. He just sensed it. Creepy? Yeah. But kinda nice. He knows me better than I know myself. I miss him. And he probably has no clue just how much he's meant to me over the years, just because I'm not good at ever saying it. But I really do love him. Everyone... should have a friend like him.

Odd realization number five.. I miss "home." I never EVER thought I'd say that... but I do. Well.. I should correct that sentiment... I don't miss home.. I miss the beach, and I miss the people.

So yeah.. those are my realizations. Shitty to have them all in one day. To make matters worse.. I just finished going through photos.. I started going through them the other day, but I just now finished... some from just random crap back in the day.. some from my wedding reception/going away/wtf ever it was partay... some from back when I was in a relationship and actually happy... (yes, thats right, I was in a relationship AND happy, shocking I know.. something nobody's seen in awhile, lol).. some of the fam, some of my old dog... you name it.. it was in that pile. It was depressing. I miss Coco, Andrew, Crys, Manda-Panda... *sigh* They were like my best friends, and I really dont talk to anyone regularly except Crystal. It makes me feel bad. But.. it works both ways I suppose.

On the flipside of all of this... I'm well aware that despite the fact that I don't really talk to much of anyone from "home".. I now have some of the best friends a girl could ever have... Mojolicious.. well.. he's just amazing. Behind Spike who is my numero uno bud, he's totally my best friend. I still get to have all my girly talk with Kristen and Kayleigh these days... Kayleigh's counterpart Rob is also totally awesome-possum.. Crystal somehow manages to hear more about my personal life than she'd like to still, even though a few states are between us.. Ed's out here now, and he's awesome, there's just no other word for it... My Pat.. (yes I have to clarify since Mojo has one too) .. he'll be out here in a few weeks and I cant wait to see him.. So yeah.. I'm really thankful that I have all of them... but hot damn does it suck now and again to reflect on everything.

I just hope I've stopped crying for the day.. I really do. I dislike crying. Almost as much as spiders. Although Rob has me almost convinced to go hold a tarantula. We'll see how that works.

I guess it could all be worse.. I could be like my dog... who clearly thinks toilet water is a delicacy.. Right?