Insanity..

I don't have much to say today... other than I don't like how my mind works.

No matter what I do, I'm never fully satisfied with the outcome. No matter how I change my life, I'm never happy with myself. Makes one wonder why I bother at times. Except.. realistically.. I don't know what else TO do.

Today the solution to my problems was to somehow drop 15 lbs in short order. Which... while possible, probably isn't the healthiest of ideas. Nor can I really figure out how that would solve my problem at hand... but it was something I could control. I went to the gym in the morning. Swam laps mid day. Ran 8 miles this evening. I look in the mirror and obviously theres no change in the course of a day.. but looking in the mirror nearly compelled me to go run at least 5 more.

The whole... If I'm skinnier or prettier, then I can get... *insert whatever here.* If I can make myself smarter, then I can get... *insert another whatever.* Why do we think that way?!

Kind of sad.. when I of all people am big on if the world doesn't love you for what you are and what you do, then fuck 'em. And I'm still prone to these moods? Makes me feel hypocritical in a way. But... as much as I say fuck 'em... it still doesn't change the perceptions of the other people, and if you want their acceptance... saying fuck you.. isn't the best way to get it.. Sick twisted world when we say fuck you, but let me cater to you... in the same action. And we're all guilty of it in some fashion. Keeping up appearances SUCKS! (The act of, not the show that was on BBC, that show cracked me up.)

In other news... not long after all of the above... someone made me truly and genuinely happy.. (worth mentioning, as it doesn't happen often) by simple agreement. Amazing really.. how agreement and acknowledgement of a situation, can somehow, depending on situation.... make a person feel validated and necessary. So.. I get to go to bed with the warm fuzzies now. And know for a fact that tomorrow will be an awesome day, and maybe I wont be mentally destructive for a day. :)

Random P.S. Let it be known that I... on July 5th... Beat a score of Spike's on drums on Rock Band 2. Metallica's ...And Justice for All... 237,325.. I only mention this because he'll destroy it tomorrow, simply because he's competitive. Oh well. I still win in the cute department. :-P