I have not blogged in um.. forever, so for those of you that followed the few I did on here and the lots I had on myspace? MY BAD!!
So.. to update...
Tonight was kinda crazy... there's been lots of drama at work, I snapped a couple times.. I think things are getting better though... so that's good. Here's to hopin Mojolicious will get the different position so he can stop stressing... I like happy mojo way more than grumpy mojo..
Other than that.. made my peace with a few demons.. an ex bf that I had unresolved issues with.. Okay.. he had unresolved issues with me, but we talked... we're no longer even trying to be friends, BUT... resolved, so... woot!
Went shopping with Steven for his Halloween costume.. he's going to be Duke from G.I. Joe.. :)
But... what the F, here's something new... I hung out with Chris? Seriously? Um.. I know him and I are cool but usually not for more than a few minutes at a time. And I thought that was normal for divorced people... but.. we HUNG OUT. Weirdness. We talked about a lot... gave each other a bad time about our recent escapades.. filled each other in on what we've been up to.. we've decided we need to hang out more, so the kids know that we don't hate each other.. So that's good.
It was oddly a relieving encounter. We put a lot to rest that we never really had a chance to.. since I just upped and left town cause I couldn't deal with living close to him.. I don't hate him anymore... by any stretch of the imagination... in fact... I gave him a hug.. and thanked him for being a good guy despite everything we did to each other. So... I feel... healed. Finally. Only took how fucking long? No more animosity.. no more hatred. I genuinely wish him the best, and will always be there for him, and I'm pretty sure that's now reciprocated. He does however say.. "no more redheads" LOL what can I say.. I can't fault him.. I was a royal bitch there towards the end.
Then.. its was snowing!!! Honestly the most beautiful snow I've seen in awhile.. Peaceful snow.. like being in a snow-globe! SO, we had a bit of a snow fight.. and it was like old times. He started off as my best friend.. and while he'll never be my best friend again because too much has happened... I know he's a good friend again.. and that makes me happy.. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Beyond that... my Eddy-bear is awesome.. For reals. I just hope he knows I'm serious when I say that...
Pat is freakin hilarious.. 90s hip hop night once I got home.. it was priceless, I love silliness.
I'm in just... a GOOD mood. For the first time in a LONG time.
Maybe it's being at peace with people... maybe it's the snow... maybe its my O.W.R.. maybe it's a combination of everything.. but as far as my disposition.. maybe the fresh snow has signified a fresh start. :)
<3
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Questions, Observations, Realizations..
The past week so many things have happened that are just insanely retarded... which makes me ask the following things....
Don't you just love it when.. a man all of a sudden reverts to the mentality of a 5 year old boy? Just because he's scared of god knows what?
Furthermore, dont you love it more when that same guy then wont even answer a simple non-related question?
But... I also have to ask... when did corporate america just turn into a high school... just one that you get paid at? And dont you just love it when unintentionally.. you're absolutely intrigued with just how many people one of your coworkers and friends... is trying to sleep with all at the same time? I shouldn't care, but watching her, is like watching a horrific soap opera.
OHH!, What about... when you've lived with a boyfriend... once you break up, and they move out of your place... all is well.... right? Well, I have to say, I just LOVE it when I find something that his idiotic dog did.. that just brings back memories of everything. What the fuck kind of dog EATS A WALL?! Having to fix this crap... makes me never want to date again. Amazing.
On a good note... I've discovered that bowling is therapeutic for the soul. I have not laughed as much, or as hard, as I did on Friday night in a very long time. Dont you love when the people a couple lanes over from you, are so bad, that you could throw yourself down the lane and do better? We had an old man to our left, that was getting jiggy with not only his wife, (with style circa 1983)... but also his son, and his daughters and her friends. He was a bit TOO friendly, perhaps mormon, but his dancing was priceless. To our right.. we had a very big woman who did a flappy arm dance after each frame... her retarded (no I'm not joking, I think he was retarded) counterpart... well he did this head down, run at the lane, and flung the ball with all his might... and did a raptor claw motion with his hands to further direct the ball... and their alien looking friend... seriously, the girl looked like a shapeless alien. It was hilarious on all sides!
And... hugs are awesome... which I knew.. just realizing it again... but my faith in their soul warming ability has been renewed. It makes me happy.
And now I have to go move the rest of the stuff out of my old apartment. LAME!
Don't you just love it when.. a man all of a sudden reverts to the mentality of a 5 year old boy? Just because he's scared of god knows what?
Furthermore, dont you love it more when that same guy then wont even answer a simple non-related question?
But... I also have to ask... when did corporate america just turn into a high school... just one that you get paid at? And dont you just love it when unintentionally.. you're absolutely intrigued with just how many people one of your coworkers and friends... is trying to sleep with all at the same time? I shouldn't care, but watching her, is like watching a horrific soap opera.
OHH!, What about... when you've lived with a boyfriend... once you break up, and they move out of your place... all is well.... right? Well, I have to say, I just LOVE it when I find something that his idiotic dog did.. that just brings back memories of everything. What the fuck kind of dog EATS A WALL?! Having to fix this crap... makes me never want to date again. Amazing.
On a good note... I've discovered that bowling is therapeutic for the soul. I have not laughed as much, or as hard, as I did on Friday night in a very long time. Dont you love when the people a couple lanes over from you, are so bad, that you could throw yourself down the lane and do better? We had an old man to our left, that was getting jiggy with not only his wife, (with style circa 1983)... but also his son, and his daughters and her friends. He was a bit TOO friendly, perhaps mormon, but his dancing was priceless. To our right.. we had a very big woman who did a flappy arm dance after each frame... her retarded (no I'm not joking, I think he was retarded) counterpart... well he did this head down, run at the lane, and flung the ball with all his might... and did a raptor claw motion with his hands to further direct the ball... and their alien looking friend... seriously, the girl looked like a shapeless alien. It was hilarious on all sides!
And... hugs are awesome... which I knew.. just realizing it again... but my faith in their soul warming ability has been renewed. It makes me happy.
And now I have to go move the rest of the stuff out of my old apartment. LAME!
Monday, August 17, 2009
Moving....
I hate moving. I don't know that there is a word to describe how much I hate moving. Maybe.. that I "mega-loathe" it? (Please tell me someone got that reference.)
Anywho... my apartment is in shambles... stuff everywhere... and we only managed to get ONE.. yes.. ONE load over to the new place today. I don't know where the day went. I even woke up relatively early... mostly because I went to bed insanely early last night. I was tired. I cant party 2 weekends in a row. I'm getting old. But not too old for beer-pong.. I kick ass at that shit.
Whatever the case... next time I move I think I'm going to hire a small army. I don't even have that much stuff.. this shouldn't be that hard!! I think its an issue of motivation. Oh well.
I do really dig the new place though... I have skylights in the living room.. so this winter when the thundersnow hits I'll be able to watch it from the couch. :) Ahhh... now hopefully we'll get most of the stuff moved tomorrow so I can enjoy the new place, and the space I'll have. That would be yippie skippy nifty.
Annnnndd... off to dreamland I go.
Anywho... my apartment is in shambles... stuff everywhere... and we only managed to get ONE.. yes.. ONE load over to the new place today. I don't know where the day went. I even woke up relatively early... mostly because I went to bed insanely early last night. I was tired. I cant party 2 weekends in a row. I'm getting old. But not too old for beer-pong.. I kick ass at that shit.
Whatever the case... next time I move I think I'm going to hire a small army. I don't even have that much stuff.. this shouldn't be that hard!! I think its an issue of motivation. Oh well.
I do really dig the new place though... I have skylights in the living room.. so this winter when the thundersnow hits I'll be able to watch it from the couch. :) Ahhh... now hopefully we'll get most of the stuff moved tomorrow so I can enjoy the new place, and the space I'll have. That would be yippie skippy nifty.
Annnnndd... off to dreamland I go.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
FuckityFUCKfuck...
I know I'm exceptionally hard on myself... well... almost all of the time....
But I'm an idiot. My whole problem of "maybe if I was ridiculously skinny and prettier someone would love me!" has reared its ugly head again... but in a different fashion...
Enter.... self loathing!
It seems no matter what I do... every male I've ever been interested in either a) goes retarded beyond belief, and I don't want them around me or my kids as a result.... b) decides I'm awesome, if only they could change everything about me... or c) even though they care, and know that I care... decides whatever is super tall and/or super skinny, and/or super stupid... is winner winner chicken dinner!
What about me is so fucking undesirable that I am... repeatedly... only good enough for flings, trysts, but... nothing beyond? Do I need to lose like 20 lbs and half my brain cells? Or is it just something about Erin... that disgusts people? I know I'm not a bad person... in fact... I'm quite a good one... ask any of my close friends... they know I do anything for people that I can.
I mean... I just want to know... I'm open for suggestions at this point.. My ex husband wanted to change me.. because I wasn't good enough... the ex boyfriends have all been pieces of work.. even dating back way way way back to high school. Am I missing something? I just want to know at this point... so if it's something simple I can fix it... and if it's just humanity and men being stupid and not knowing what they could have that is right in front of them until it's too late... then I can take solace in the fact that it's not my problem. And I'll get to turn THEM down 10 years from now.
I just don't get it.
This is why I haven't posted in quite some time. I've been upset. Oh yes, I've even cried. Erin.. cry. Imagine.
Since I last posted... I've switched schedules at work, gotten a raise. Adopted a deaf ferret (who is such a sweetie). I've cut my hair. I've gotten more tattoo work done. I've taken the kids to the zoo. I've done all this stuff... happy stuff.... but it's all superceded by my endless misery over the other half of the species. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone. But I hate the thought of that. I also hate the thought of waiting until I'm 40, and no longer attractive before I find "the one".
Maybe I'm just not dealing with aging well. I just turned 29. (my birthday was the first good one i've had in years.. so thats a bright spot) But I'm 11 years away from 40. I used to think 21 was old. Then it was 30. Now that I'm 29, I'm looking at 30 as not so bad... but 40 isn't far off, and that seems like a death sentence. I dunno. I'm a mess. Fuck.
I just want someone to have fun with and the only thing that seems to give two shits if I'm on this planet, or notices how sweet and loving and awesome I am... is a fucking lesbian. (Nothing against lesbians, I love you all, but its just not my thing)
Fucking christ my life is upsetting right now. I just dont get it. At all. *sigh*
Oh well, cest la vie, I suppose. I'm going to bed. And trying not to cry myself to sleep.
But I'm an idiot. My whole problem of "maybe if I was ridiculously skinny and prettier someone would love me!" has reared its ugly head again... but in a different fashion...
Enter.... self loathing!
It seems no matter what I do... every male I've ever been interested in either a) goes retarded beyond belief, and I don't want them around me or my kids as a result.... b) decides I'm awesome, if only they could change everything about me... or c) even though they care, and know that I care... decides whatever is super tall and/or super skinny, and/or super stupid... is winner winner chicken dinner!
What about me is so fucking undesirable that I am... repeatedly... only good enough for flings, trysts, but... nothing beyond? Do I need to lose like 20 lbs and half my brain cells? Or is it just something about Erin... that disgusts people? I know I'm not a bad person... in fact... I'm quite a good one... ask any of my close friends... they know I do anything for people that I can.
I mean... I just want to know... I'm open for suggestions at this point.. My ex husband wanted to change me.. because I wasn't good enough... the ex boyfriends have all been pieces of work.. even dating back way way way back to high school. Am I missing something? I just want to know at this point... so if it's something simple I can fix it... and if it's just humanity and men being stupid and not knowing what they could have that is right in front of them until it's too late... then I can take solace in the fact that it's not my problem. And I'll get to turn THEM down 10 years from now.
I just don't get it.
This is why I haven't posted in quite some time. I've been upset. Oh yes, I've even cried. Erin.. cry. Imagine.
Since I last posted... I've switched schedules at work, gotten a raise. Adopted a deaf ferret (who is such a sweetie). I've cut my hair. I've gotten more tattoo work done. I've taken the kids to the zoo. I've done all this stuff... happy stuff.... but it's all superceded by my endless misery over the other half of the species. Maybe I'm just destined to be alone. But I hate the thought of that. I also hate the thought of waiting until I'm 40, and no longer attractive before I find "the one".
Maybe I'm just not dealing with aging well. I just turned 29. (my birthday was the first good one i've had in years.. so thats a bright spot) But I'm 11 years away from 40. I used to think 21 was old. Then it was 30. Now that I'm 29, I'm looking at 30 as not so bad... but 40 isn't far off, and that seems like a death sentence. I dunno. I'm a mess. Fuck.
I just want someone to have fun with and the only thing that seems to give two shits if I'm on this planet, or notices how sweet and loving and awesome I am... is a fucking lesbian. (Nothing against lesbians, I love you all, but its just not my thing)
Fucking christ my life is upsetting right now. I just dont get it. At all. *sigh*
Oh well, cest la vie, I suppose. I'm going to bed. And trying not to cry myself to sleep.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Badness...
I've been slacking, I haven't been posting. With homework, work, and everything else, I just simply haven't had the time or really... desire... to get my laptop and sit down and write.
Not much has really been going on either. Pretty dull days.
Today we're going to go play disc golf with the kiddos. That should be fun... being out-thrown by a 8 and nearly 6 year old. Because I? Suck. Give me a softball, and I'm set. Frisbee type device? Insta-retard!
Which reminds me... I should probably don some sunscreen. It's kinda bright out. Not sure what it looks like in Westy where we're headed... but I'm guessing it'll be bright. YAY for being nearly albino!!! Human lobster? Or sunscreen scented? I'm going with sunscreen. :D
Not much has really been going on either. Pretty dull days.
Today we're going to go play disc golf with the kiddos. That should be fun... being out-thrown by a 8 and nearly 6 year old. Because I? Suck. Give me a softball, and I'm set. Frisbee type device? Insta-retard!
Which reminds me... I should probably don some sunscreen. It's kinda bright out. Not sure what it looks like in Westy where we're headed... but I'm guessing it'll be bright. YAY for being nearly albino!!! Human lobster? Or sunscreen scented? I'm going with sunscreen. :D
Saturday, July 11, 2009
MetalCamp....
I've decided I have to be in Slovenia, about this time next year. Why? For MetalCamp!
http://www.metalcamp.com
It's the happiest place on earth. Fuck Disneyland. This is infinitely more awesome. It's like.. the woodstock for metal heads. Actually... maybe I shouldn't go.. if it's that awesome you may never see me again, I'll just stay in Europe, seems how thats where all the good metal comes from ANYWAYS. Kidding.. sort of. I totally have to go. I'll take the risk of never seeing you again.
Naturally.. I'll have to have people to go with, cause I hate going places by me-self. SO... wish me luck.. I'm going to do my best... to save save save, for the next 11 months ish.. so not only I can go... but so I can drag someone with me. And probably not my kids... I'm not thinking a MetalCamp is good for that age... We all do the opposite of what our parents wanted... and I just cant have my son and daughter becoming gangsta and thuggish in all their whiter than white glory. I was told by a friend that I should listen to DMX in their presence, so that when they're my age... they'll love the Dimmu Borgir of their time. I gave that a thought for about 3 seconds... then realized I'd have to shoot myself on day one.
SO.. while they wont be going... I think I shall.. (ability to save funds permitting).. because while I cant guarantee they too will be awesome little metal heads like me.. I CAN guarantee I'll be happier than.. well.. I don't know.. but I'll be happy.. when I wake up to the sound of sound-checks in Slovenia. So happy I may just wear a tiara of happiness for the whole week.
Wish me luck. I'm going to start saving by stopping the eating out for lunch habit. Which will also help with my diet-o-insanity. :)
http://www.metalcamp.com
It's the happiest place on earth. Fuck Disneyland. This is infinitely more awesome. It's like.. the woodstock for metal heads. Actually... maybe I shouldn't go.. if it's that awesome you may never see me again, I'll just stay in Europe, seems how thats where all the good metal comes from ANYWAYS. Kidding.. sort of. I totally have to go. I'll take the risk of never seeing you again.
Naturally.. I'll have to have people to go with, cause I hate going places by me-self. SO... wish me luck.. I'm going to do my best... to save save save, for the next 11 months ish.. so not only I can go... but so I can drag someone with me. And probably not my kids... I'm not thinking a MetalCamp is good for that age... We all do the opposite of what our parents wanted... and I just cant have my son and daughter becoming gangsta and thuggish in all their whiter than white glory. I was told by a friend that I should listen to DMX in their presence, so that when they're my age... they'll love the Dimmu Borgir of their time. I gave that a thought for about 3 seconds... then realized I'd have to shoot myself on day one.
SO.. while they wont be going... I think I shall.. (ability to save funds permitting).. because while I cant guarantee they too will be awesome little metal heads like me.. I CAN guarantee I'll be happier than.. well.. I don't know.. but I'll be happy.. when I wake up to the sound of sound-checks in Slovenia. So happy I may just wear a tiara of happiness for the whole week.
Wish me luck. I'm going to start saving by stopping the eating out for lunch habit. Which will also help with my diet-o-insanity. :)
Friday, July 10, 2009
Fat.. not phat...
I made a pineapple beef curry tonight... it was actually pretty good... but now I feel like a huge fatass.
I know I'm really not "fat"... but... I still feel it. I look in the mirror and kinda wanna hurl. I know I'll never be the scrawny little waif girl I'd like to be, but... that doesn't keep me from wanting to be that. I just feel fat. And not phat.
It's probably an unhealthy mental preoccupation.
I had my episode last Sunday where I worked out.. then swam for like an hour.. then ran 8 ish miles later that day... and that sucked.. I hurt all over from that one for a couple days. But I'm feeling compelled to keep doing that until a) I cant feel anymore... or b) I don't feel like a fatass.
Whats sad... is I know exactly why I feel like a complete and utter fatass. And it's stupid. Insanely, and completely... stupid. I shouldn't even care that every guy I have known since probably H.S. has only found scrawny bitches that couldn't defend themselves if their lives depended on it... attractive. Me? I'm always 2nd choice. 3rd choice. 20th choice. And I fucking hate it. But yet... I still "care". But why? You'd think I'd be okay with the fact that at least people still find me somewhat attractive... but no.. that's not good enough. You'd think I could take some solace in the fact that I'm not helpless. But again.. no. I'm insane enough to feel like a flawed, disgusting, creature, 95% of the time... the other 5% I'm asleep.. You'd think that I'd just decide that eventually... someone will love me for who I am... but, the people that always love me for who I am.. I have no interest in. I don't see that changing.
SO.. I guess I better do something with myself so someone I may actually find intriguing... will find me intriguing as well.
Maybe I just need to resolve to the fact that I'll never be with anyone... so to get over it... but as much as I love my fur-babies... I really dont want to become a crazy ferret lady either.
Either way.. I think it's time for a diet, and lots of exercise. So... at least when I end up alone, it'll be by choice... and not because I'm just not pretty enough or good enough for someone.
*le sigh*
I hate life sometimes.
I know I'm really not "fat"... but... I still feel it. I look in the mirror and kinda wanna hurl. I know I'll never be the scrawny little waif girl I'd like to be, but... that doesn't keep me from wanting to be that. I just feel fat. And not phat.
It's probably an unhealthy mental preoccupation.
I had my episode last Sunday where I worked out.. then swam for like an hour.. then ran 8 ish miles later that day... and that sucked.. I hurt all over from that one for a couple days. But I'm feeling compelled to keep doing that until a) I cant feel anymore... or b) I don't feel like a fatass.
Whats sad... is I know exactly why I feel like a complete and utter fatass. And it's stupid. Insanely, and completely... stupid. I shouldn't even care that every guy I have known since probably H.S. has only found scrawny bitches that couldn't defend themselves if their lives depended on it... attractive. Me? I'm always 2nd choice. 3rd choice. 20th choice. And I fucking hate it. But yet... I still "care". But why? You'd think I'd be okay with the fact that at least people still find me somewhat attractive... but no.. that's not good enough. You'd think I could take some solace in the fact that I'm not helpless. But again.. no. I'm insane enough to feel like a flawed, disgusting, creature, 95% of the time... the other 5% I'm asleep.. You'd think that I'd just decide that eventually... someone will love me for who I am... but, the people that always love me for who I am.. I have no interest in. I don't see that changing.
SO.. I guess I better do something with myself so someone I may actually find intriguing... will find me intriguing as well.
Maybe I just need to resolve to the fact that I'll never be with anyone... so to get over it... but as much as I love my fur-babies... I really dont want to become a crazy ferret lady either.
Either way.. I think it's time for a diet, and lots of exercise. So... at least when I end up alone, it'll be by choice... and not because I'm just not pretty enough or good enough for someone.
*le sigh*
I hate life sometimes.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Retarded....
Yup. Sometimes I'm retarded. I just realized that. Again. Well, way earlier today that is.
That cute fuzzy hamster in the wheel in my head is going to be assassinated. By glue trap. The most inhumane way I can think of.
I'm tired of thinking myself into such a stupor... that when I re-look at things, I see them for what they were/are, and I feel like a moron.
Although... that's not my only retardation.. I just tripped, and my dog broke my fall. Thankfully, the only person that could've seen it was in the shower. Ha.
That cute fuzzy hamster in the wheel in my head is going to be assassinated. By glue trap. The most inhumane way I can think of.
I'm tired of thinking myself into such a stupor... that when I re-look at things, I see them for what they were/are, and I feel like a moron.
Although... that's not my only retardation.. I just tripped, and my dog broke my fall. Thankfully, the only person that could've seen it was in the shower. Ha.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
And one more thing....
I hate waiting for a pineapple to ripen. I'm going to bed. Thought a midnight snack would kick ass. Well... what I really want is the delectable tropical fruit sitting on the table next to my tropical fish. But... like most things in a supermarket... always either too ripe, or not ripe enough.. our pineapple is not quite ripe enough yet. It makes me incredibly sad. Because... well... pineapple kicks ass.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I've been a baddd baddd girl.....
I've been careless.. with... well.. okay maybe nothing.. but it has to be criminal to feel quite this sedate. (if you didn't just get that I was singing a Fiona Apple song at first... you should probably go away.)
So, yeah, I've been bad, I didnt blog yesterday. Spike got back yesterday, promptly beat the score I had beaten on rock band.. and really.. it was a short evening. For whatever reason, I was exhausted. I wasnt even the one that drove all day to get back here. My "long drive home" was 22 minutes long. But I was exhausted. I went to bed before midnight for once.
In retrospect, I guess I didn't have much to say yesterday anyways. Today isn't much different.. it's 4 till midnight.. I'm in my p.j.'s... I'm still hating the whole home search thing.. hard to find a house when you've got a 80ish pound dog. And.. he's my baby girl's best friend.. it's not like I can get rid of him. (Not that I would anyways.. he's what keeps me from wanting a baby.. because I can baby him.)
So yeah. But all things considered? I'm feeling incredibly... mellow. It MIGHT be because that's a side effect of awesome bestest buddy/roomie sex, cause I'm always mellow after that... or.... I'm just chill for a change. It was probably option A, truth be told, who'm I kidding? It's not my fault he's perdy! :-P But secondary... I know tomorrow will be good at work.. work has been less stressful.. my friends are making more sense.. haven't argued with the ex husband, which is a feat in and of itself, and this coming weekend? Transformers 2 with the kiddos! I've already seen it.. but they haven't.. and well.. they should. Optimus Prime talks shit! Its great!
And thats it. All I had. We'll see if I'm more interesting tomorrow. In the meantime, I get to play sleeping beauty... minus all the grace.
So, yeah, I've been bad, I didnt blog yesterday. Spike got back yesterday, promptly beat the score I had beaten on rock band.. and really.. it was a short evening. For whatever reason, I was exhausted. I wasnt even the one that drove all day to get back here. My "long drive home" was 22 minutes long. But I was exhausted. I went to bed before midnight for once.
In retrospect, I guess I didn't have much to say yesterday anyways. Today isn't much different.. it's 4 till midnight.. I'm in my p.j.'s... I'm still hating the whole home search thing.. hard to find a house when you've got a 80ish pound dog. And.. he's my baby girl's best friend.. it's not like I can get rid of him. (Not that I would anyways.. he's what keeps me from wanting a baby.. because I can baby him.)
So yeah. But all things considered? I'm feeling incredibly... mellow. It MIGHT be because that's a side effect of awesome bestest buddy/roomie sex, cause I'm always mellow after that... or.... I'm just chill for a change. It was probably option A, truth be told, who'm I kidding? It's not my fault he's perdy! :-P But secondary... I know tomorrow will be good at work.. work has been less stressful.. my friends are making more sense.. haven't argued with the ex husband, which is a feat in and of itself, and this coming weekend? Transformers 2 with the kiddos! I've already seen it.. but they haven't.. and well.. they should. Optimus Prime talks shit! Its great!
And thats it. All I had. We'll see if I'm more interesting tomorrow. In the meantime, I get to play sleeping beauty... minus all the grace.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Insanity..
I don't have much to say today... other than I don't like how my mind works.
No matter what I do, I'm never fully satisfied with the outcome. No matter how I change my life, I'm never happy with myself. Makes one wonder why I bother at times. Except.. realistically.. I don't know what else TO do.
Today the solution to my problems was to somehow drop 15 lbs in short order. Which... while possible, probably isn't the healthiest of ideas. Nor can I really figure out how that would solve my problem at hand... but it was something I could control. I went to the gym in the morning. Swam laps mid day. Ran 8 miles this evening. I look in the mirror and obviously theres no change in the course of a day.. but looking in the mirror nearly compelled me to go run at least 5 more.
The whole... If I'm skinnier or prettier, then I can get... *insert whatever here.* If I can make myself smarter, then I can get... *insert another whatever.* Why do we think that way?!
Kind of sad.. when I of all people am big on if the world doesn't love you for what you are and what you do, then fuck 'em. And I'm still prone to these moods? Makes me feel hypocritical in a way. But... as much as I say fuck 'em... it still doesn't change the perceptions of the other people, and if you want their acceptance... saying fuck you.. isn't the best way to get it.. Sick twisted world when we say fuck you, but let me cater to you... in the same action. And we're all guilty of it in some fashion. Keeping up appearances SUCKS! (The act of, not the show that was on BBC, that show cracked me up.)
In other news... not long after all of the above... someone made me truly and genuinely happy.. (worth mentioning, as it doesn't happen often) by simple agreement. Amazing really.. how agreement and acknowledgement of a situation, can somehow, depending on situation.... make a person feel validated and necessary. So.. I get to go to bed with the warm fuzzies now. And know for a fact that tomorrow will be an awesome day, and maybe I wont be mentally destructive for a day. :)
Random P.S. Let it be known that I... on July 5th... Beat a score of Spike's on drums on Rock Band 2. Metallica's ...And Justice for All... 237,325.. I only mention this because he'll destroy it tomorrow, simply because he's competitive. Oh well. I still win in the cute department. :-P
No matter what I do, I'm never fully satisfied with the outcome. No matter how I change my life, I'm never happy with myself. Makes one wonder why I bother at times. Except.. realistically.. I don't know what else TO do.
Today the solution to my problems was to somehow drop 15 lbs in short order. Which... while possible, probably isn't the healthiest of ideas. Nor can I really figure out how that would solve my problem at hand... but it was something I could control. I went to the gym in the morning. Swam laps mid day. Ran 8 miles this evening. I look in the mirror and obviously theres no change in the course of a day.. but looking in the mirror nearly compelled me to go run at least 5 more.
The whole... If I'm skinnier or prettier, then I can get... *insert whatever here.* If I can make myself smarter, then I can get... *insert another whatever.* Why do we think that way?!
Kind of sad.. when I of all people am big on if the world doesn't love you for what you are and what you do, then fuck 'em. And I'm still prone to these moods? Makes me feel hypocritical in a way. But... as much as I say fuck 'em... it still doesn't change the perceptions of the other people, and if you want their acceptance... saying fuck you.. isn't the best way to get it.. Sick twisted world when we say fuck you, but let me cater to you... in the same action. And we're all guilty of it in some fashion. Keeping up appearances SUCKS! (The act of, not the show that was on BBC, that show cracked me up.)
In other news... not long after all of the above... someone made me truly and genuinely happy.. (worth mentioning, as it doesn't happen often) by simple agreement. Amazing really.. how agreement and acknowledgement of a situation, can somehow, depending on situation.... make a person feel validated and necessary. So.. I get to go to bed with the warm fuzzies now. And know for a fact that tomorrow will be an awesome day, and maybe I wont be mentally destructive for a day. :)
Random P.S. Let it be known that I... on July 5th... Beat a score of Spike's on drums on Rock Band 2. Metallica's ...And Justice for All... 237,325.. I only mention this because he'll destroy it tomorrow, simply because he's competitive. Oh well. I still win in the cute department. :-P
Saturday, July 4, 2009
4th of July, Boredom, and Winky Sleeves....
Now that I've gone to sleep, and am awake again, in my book it's only NOW that it's July 4th. I have no plans this 4th of July. Sad, right?
I was initially bummed that I had nothing to do, or really no-one to do it with; Odd... given I don't EVER do anything for the 4th anyway. So... it's me.. the dog... and the ferrets. (It would be the kids too, but since so much of the family is in town on their other side of the family, I figured I would sacrifice for their sake and not fight it.. it's only one day.) But now.. I don't so much care what I've got going on for the day... I just care that I'm bored out of my freakin mind.
I don't know if I want to go downtown and watch the fireworks... If I want to find a friend to harass... Or if I just want to sleep the day away because I have nothing to do. It's 8:20, and I've already been to the gym today. Walked the dog. And started laundry. If I thought I would be able to walk tomorrow... I'd go to the gym again. I rearranged my bedroom yesterday.. now I don't know what to do.
I don't think that much boredom is healthy. It's just a good thing I don't have a few hundred dollars to spare right now, I'd be off getting something else tattooed or pierced. I did go to walmart to get fish food for Fabio though, and something totally amused me. My sister and I were discussing this just the other day... how our parents and grandparents make things awkward that don't need to be. Maybe it's a generational thing. My mother apparently finds "gynecologist" to be a dirty word. My grandmother... well, she's just as bad, if not worse... I remember getting a stern talking to off to the side one day when I said the words "pubic bone" even though it was the technical term for what I was discussing. As if I'd said something horrifically slutty. I remember thinking "I'm pregnant, I clearly took care of the slut factor, I doubt saying 'pubic bone' will hurt," but good luck telling that to a 70 ish year old woman. I think she may need to go back and watch "Kindergarten Cop" for the little kid's "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" speech just as much as my mom. Makes you wonder how women like that ever got close enough to a guy to get pregnant since they clearly act like such acts don't/can't take place. But ANYWHO... at walmart I heard something that took the cake.
I'm not sure how every walmart is, but the one I went to.. you had to walk past the shampoo, body wash, deodorant, and "personal" aisles to get to the pet section. This woman... who has to be 40-45, stops her husband dead in the main aisle, outside of the aisle with condoms... blurting "You forgot to get winky sleeves!" and points DIRECTLY at the condoms. I couldn't even resist.. I busted up laughing. Which was met with a glare from the woman. If looks could kill, I would not be telling you about this.
Seriously? Can you not say condom? Nothing like making a discussion unnecessarily awkward. He just glared at her, and... I can't blame him. Why aren't women okay with these topics? It's sad! Embrace it. Realize that it's perfectly normal and HEALTHY to get some booty. Not something to be ashamed of, to a point you have to create euphemisms for everything. Winky sleeves. That takes the cake. It really does. Personally... I'm quite proud that I'm from a generation that is okay... with admitting things are what they are.
But... Happy 4th of July everyone :)
I was initially bummed that I had nothing to do, or really no-one to do it with; Odd... given I don't EVER do anything for the 4th anyway. So... it's me.. the dog... and the ferrets. (It would be the kids too, but since so much of the family is in town on their other side of the family, I figured I would sacrifice for their sake and not fight it.. it's only one day.) But now.. I don't so much care what I've got going on for the day... I just care that I'm bored out of my freakin mind.
I don't know if I want to go downtown and watch the fireworks... If I want to find a friend to harass... Or if I just want to sleep the day away because I have nothing to do. It's 8:20, and I've already been to the gym today. Walked the dog. And started laundry. If I thought I would be able to walk tomorrow... I'd go to the gym again. I rearranged my bedroom yesterday.. now I don't know what to do.
I don't think that much boredom is healthy. It's just a good thing I don't have a few hundred dollars to spare right now, I'd be off getting something else tattooed or pierced. I did go to walmart to get fish food for Fabio though, and something totally amused me. My sister and I were discussing this just the other day... how our parents and grandparents make things awkward that don't need to be. Maybe it's a generational thing. My mother apparently finds "gynecologist" to be a dirty word. My grandmother... well, she's just as bad, if not worse... I remember getting a stern talking to off to the side one day when I said the words "pubic bone" even though it was the technical term for what I was discussing. As if I'd said something horrifically slutty. I remember thinking "I'm pregnant, I clearly took care of the slut factor, I doubt saying 'pubic bone' will hurt," but good luck telling that to a 70 ish year old woman. I think she may need to go back and watch "Kindergarten Cop" for the little kid's "boys have a penis, girls have a vagina" speech just as much as my mom. Makes you wonder how women like that ever got close enough to a guy to get pregnant since they clearly act like such acts don't/can't take place. But ANYWHO... at walmart I heard something that took the cake.
I'm not sure how every walmart is, but the one I went to.. you had to walk past the shampoo, body wash, deodorant, and "personal" aisles to get to the pet section. This woman... who has to be 40-45, stops her husband dead in the main aisle, outside of the aisle with condoms... blurting "You forgot to get winky sleeves!" and points DIRECTLY at the condoms. I couldn't even resist.. I busted up laughing. Which was met with a glare from the woman. If looks could kill, I would not be telling you about this.
Seriously? Can you not say condom? Nothing like making a discussion unnecessarily awkward. He just glared at her, and... I can't blame him. Why aren't women okay with these topics? It's sad! Embrace it. Realize that it's perfectly normal and HEALTHY to get some booty. Not something to be ashamed of, to a point you have to create euphemisms for everything. Winky sleeves. That takes the cake. It really does. Personally... I'm quite proud that I'm from a generation that is okay... with admitting things are what they are.
But... Happy 4th of July everyone :)
Jeg elske du...
Today was a weird day... so many little things to make one think. I found out a very good friend of mine is thinking about getting a divorce, and wanted advice from of all people... me. Realistically I am not, and should not be the authority on relationships, but I simply told her... "follow your heart."
Which, that statement... seems to be the problem entirely. The "heart" can be blind, stubborn, and generally unintelligent all at once. The sort of thing that makes you wish you could shut off that element of your brain completely... Or at least take it out in a field somewhere and beat it until it promises to make wiser decisions in the future. But... at the end of the day, if you're not happy, you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy somehow. Coming from me, again, it's funny... I'm perpetually jaded with all things involving love, and I'm a generally displeased person. It's not that I'm unhappy... I just see things for what they really are in many cases.
Whatever the case, I was then having a conversation with a friend that I can relate to all too well given the latest goings on in my life relationship wise. I really hope his situation works out for the best... he deserves it for sure.
But then I got to thinking... if relationships make so many people question so much of their life, and so many of their preconceived notions about what love and relationships are... are wrong... Is it really ever worth it? I thought about this all day.. which is why my July 3rd posting is now technically being posted on July 4th. As much as I really want to say it's not worth it.. and I hate to admit it... but it is. You just have to know yourself REALLY well. I've thought on many occasions that I found love... and looking at them now, detached from the moment, I know wholeheartedly I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I was hormonally imbalanced or something. Perhaps suffering from your garden variety insanity.
I think most people can agree that love cannot be defined entirely by words because a lot of it is feeling... but many actions and sentiments CAN be defined. It's the little things PLUS feeling.. I can honestly say for me... I know that when I DO love someone... it's someone that knows what I'll do, before I even do it. Someone that understands me and accepts me for what I am. Someone that doesn't care that I scrunch up my face in the most unattractive way.. at bad smells, bad jokes, or just bad timing of things. Of course... those are all really small things... and I have many friends both here, back home, all over anymore really that do all of those things... and I love them to pieces. The problem is I see so many people.. myself included... mistake love, for IN love. It's not the same, but it's taken me a long time to realize it. IN love definitely includes all of those traits, it has to.... but it also has to have the other part of the equation. When you're with that person are you fine doing absolutely nothing as long as you're doing it together? When you look at them do you already know what they're thinking? Do you go out of your way to make sure they know you care? When they look at you do you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside? Because... well, if you're going to say you're IN love with a person, you should probably know exactly what I'm talking about.
Love lately is a conundrum for me. And... it's definitely a two way street. The problem is, some drivers on this two way street are driving all willy-nilly, like children suffering from ADD in bumper cars... assuming because they feel SOME elements, that the other person MUST, and HAS to reciprocate those. But the fact of the matter... is humans really don't do that. We get bored.. we mature.. we move on. Or.. we wake up once hormones have settled and realize just a few of those elements were missing, whether the other person realized it or not. It's sad, and unfortunate, but its the truth.
So, for my friend who is more than likely getting a divorce... at least you realized some elements were missing now.. instead of 20 years from now. You still have a life to live, fun to have, and happiness to find. For my other friend, I do sincerely hope he and his girl work on things, and have a fantastic time doing so... because I know for a fact they have all of the proper elements there.
As for myself... I have hope. I can feel the feeling... the one that I will feel when all the elements are wrapped into one glorious amazing person. Jeg elske du. Already. Now I'm just waiting for the day I roll over in bed and can wrap my arms around said glorious amazing person. Because now that I know what love is, what it isn't.. and what I need... I know I wont screw things up. Only problem is... anyone I've actually ever REALLY loved... I realized I never bother to tell them. Should probably work on that someday. Unfortunately today... is not that someday. Get back to me next week. I'll reschedule again then.
Which, that statement... seems to be the problem entirely. The "heart" can be blind, stubborn, and generally unintelligent all at once. The sort of thing that makes you wish you could shut off that element of your brain completely... Or at least take it out in a field somewhere and beat it until it promises to make wiser decisions in the future. But... at the end of the day, if you're not happy, you owe it to yourself to make yourself happy somehow. Coming from me, again, it's funny... I'm perpetually jaded with all things involving love, and I'm a generally displeased person. It's not that I'm unhappy... I just see things for what they really are in many cases.
Whatever the case, I was then having a conversation with a friend that I can relate to all too well given the latest goings on in my life relationship wise. I really hope his situation works out for the best... he deserves it for sure.
But then I got to thinking... if relationships make so many people question so much of their life, and so many of their preconceived notions about what love and relationships are... are wrong... Is it really ever worth it? I thought about this all day.. which is why my July 3rd posting is now technically being posted on July 4th. As much as I really want to say it's not worth it.. and I hate to admit it... but it is. You just have to know yourself REALLY well. I've thought on many occasions that I found love... and looking at them now, detached from the moment, I know wholeheartedly I was wrong, wrong, wrong. I was hormonally imbalanced or something. Perhaps suffering from your garden variety insanity.
I think most people can agree that love cannot be defined entirely by words because a lot of it is feeling... but many actions and sentiments CAN be defined. It's the little things PLUS feeling.. I can honestly say for me... I know that when I DO love someone... it's someone that knows what I'll do, before I even do it. Someone that understands me and accepts me for what I am. Someone that doesn't care that I scrunch up my face in the most unattractive way.. at bad smells, bad jokes, or just bad timing of things. Of course... those are all really small things... and I have many friends both here, back home, all over anymore really that do all of those things... and I love them to pieces. The problem is I see so many people.. myself included... mistake love, for IN love. It's not the same, but it's taken me a long time to realize it. IN love definitely includes all of those traits, it has to.... but it also has to have the other part of the equation. When you're with that person are you fine doing absolutely nothing as long as you're doing it together? When you look at them do you already know what they're thinking? Do you go out of your way to make sure they know you care? When they look at you do you get a warm fuzzy feeling inside? Because... well, if you're going to say you're IN love with a person, you should probably know exactly what I'm talking about.
Love lately is a conundrum for me. And... it's definitely a two way street. The problem is, some drivers on this two way street are driving all willy-nilly, like children suffering from ADD in bumper cars... assuming because they feel SOME elements, that the other person MUST, and HAS to reciprocate those. But the fact of the matter... is humans really don't do that. We get bored.. we mature.. we move on. Or.. we wake up once hormones have settled and realize just a few of those elements were missing, whether the other person realized it or not. It's sad, and unfortunate, but its the truth.
So, for my friend who is more than likely getting a divorce... at least you realized some elements were missing now.. instead of 20 years from now. You still have a life to live, fun to have, and happiness to find. For my other friend, I do sincerely hope he and his girl work on things, and have a fantastic time doing so... because I know for a fact they have all of the proper elements there.
As for myself... I have hope. I can feel the feeling... the one that I will feel when all the elements are wrapped into one glorious amazing person. Jeg elske du. Already. Now I'm just waiting for the day I roll over in bed and can wrap my arms around said glorious amazing person. Because now that I know what love is, what it isn't.. and what I need... I know I wont screw things up. Only problem is... anyone I've actually ever REALLY loved... I realized I never bother to tell them. Should probably work on that someday. Unfortunately today... is not that someday. Get back to me next week. I'll reschedule again then.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
What the hell man....
What the hell... is the deal with this Michael Jackson obsession... it's STILL going on. You know, every other time he's been on the news it was for molestation charges. And everyone was sick to death of him when it was THAT. People saying he was a bad person. He should've gone to prison. All sorts of accusations. Now that he dies, the world loves him? Are you fucking kidding me? Our media, and population, are the reason other countries think Americans are stupid. Because, by and large, they clearly are. This MJ debacle proves that. Enough of that, I could go on all day..
Another "what the hell?!" is about the people I knew from wayyyy back. I'm fully aware that I probably put more stock in outer appearance than I should. I go on my workout and diet binges.. I am constantly changing my look so I don't get boring and stale, and I clearly enjoy making sure I'm colorful... BUT..
While I'm aware that I don't really look my age, I cant help but look back, for instance, at people I went to school with.. and there's no way, after 10-11 years people are going to look the same. Some will look better, some worse. It's just par for the course. Stress, children, etc. But.. WHAT THE HELL?! Am I the only one with an OUNCE of respect for myself? I see people that were smaller than I was... balloon up?! I'm not talking... they gained 20-30 lbs, or haven't lost baby weight... I'm talking they gained closer to 100 lbs, maybe more. That's not healthy. And if it were a one case in 100 thing I could see it... because maybe in that ratio it would be health related complications... but it's the MAJORITY of them. And nobody, (save a few, and those few are the ones that didn't need to really worry, because they weren't big.. and they're still gorgeous) is doing anything about it.
Is "home" to blame for it? Is Fresno that much of a shit-hole that they have to drown their sorrows in an entire pallet of twinkies?! Or maybe they've found that the key to happiness falls in the "Obese" BMI categories. I do see that a good 90% of these ones are married, having more kids, and happy. This sounds incredibly vain but... I like my "problem" better. I wasn't happy, so I got a divorce. I have two kids. I didn't turn into a fucking orca. Does happiness have to equal a lack of respect for your health? Don't you want to be able to have a long life with your significant other? Your children? Get off your ass and go do something besides stuffing your face. I'm a perfectly happy individual, and I stay active, and haven't gained 100 lbs... so what are their excuses, beyond the obvious of "laziness."
And... what the hell... is with this weather?! Don't get me wrong. I love Colorado. It's beautiful here. And Denver really does see 300 days a year of sun. What that statement should have with it, is an asterisk. That when you read the fine print says "300 days a year you will see the sun, but in 2009, you may only see it for a few minutes because its going to rain constantly in June and July." You'd think being my fairskinned ass... I'd enjoy this, but seriously, if I wanted this much rain? I'd move to Seattle. I hope this ends soon.
*Sigh*
Another "what the hell?!" is about the people I knew from wayyyy back. I'm fully aware that I probably put more stock in outer appearance than I should. I go on my workout and diet binges.. I am constantly changing my look so I don't get boring and stale, and I clearly enjoy making sure I'm colorful... BUT..
While I'm aware that I don't really look my age, I cant help but look back, for instance, at people I went to school with.. and there's no way, after 10-11 years people are going to look the same. Some will look better, some worse. It's just par for the course. Stress, children, etc. But.. WHAT THE HELL?! Am I the only one with an OUNCE of respect for myself? I see people that were smaller than I was... balloon up?! I'm not talking... they gained 20-30 lbs, or haven't lost baby weight... I'm talking they gained closer to 100 lbs, maybe more. That's not healthy. And if it were a one case in 100 thing I could see it... because maybe in that ratio it would be health related complications... but it's the MAJORITY of them. And nobody, (save a few, and those few are the ones that didn't need to really worry, because they weren't big.. and they're still gorgeous) is doing anything about it.
Is "home" to blame for it? Is Fresno that much of a shit-hole that they have to drown their sorrows in an entire pallet of twinkies?! Or maybe they've found that the key to happiness falls in the "Obese" BMI categories. I do see that a good 90% of these ones are married, having more kids, and happy. This sounds incredibly vain but... I like my "problem" better. I wasn't happy, so I got a divorce. I have two kids. I didn't turn into a fucking orca. Does happiness have to equal a lack of respect for your health? Don't you want to be able to have a long life with your significant other? Your children? Get off your ass and go do something besides stuffing your face. I'm a perfectly happy individual, and I stay active, and haven't gained 100 lbs... so what are their excuses, beyond the obvious of "laziness."
And... what the hell... is with this weather?! Don't get me wrong. I love Colorado. It's beautiful here. And Denver really does see 300 days a year of sun. What that statement should have with it, is an asterisk. That when you read the fine print says "300 days a year you will see the sun, but in 2009, you may only see it for a few minutes because its going to rain constantly in June and July." You'd think being my fairskinned ass... I'd enjoy this, but seriously, if I wanted this much rain? I'd move to Seattle. I hope this ends soon.
*Sigh*
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I'm going to make a point of this....
Many many many people, I can't even stress the "many" factor have told me they "miss" my blogs. I don't know if thats because I go off on a tangent, rarely returning, or if they care what's going on in my life. In either case.... I've moved my blog HERE!
So.. no new blogs on myspace anymore. But I'll be sure to send the updates for those of you that still check it. :)
I've also gotten requests for keeping people "posted" on the insanity that is my life. I know I'm bad about it... I hardly stay in touch with anyone, and I'm almost always up to no good. SOOOOO... I'm going to make a point... daily blogging... of just random observations, what's going on, and all that fun stuff.
So short update on all of the above....
1. My kids are back, and it freakin rocks.
2. My dog is gay. No, I'm serious, he's a flamer.
3. Fergie, my 1st ferret.. has an attitude problem that is emphasized by leaping swipes.
4. My roomie/bestest guy friend has the cutest laugh when he's laughing at the expense of #3.
5. I'm happy tomorrow is "Friday" for me. I have the 3rd off, since the 4th is on the weekend.
6. I got that warm fuzzy feeling today at work, because I actually helped someone better her life.
7. My allergies make me want to trade in my nose.
8. Bill and Ted's excellent adventure... is STILL ridiculous.
9. Exes of any sort are still retarded. That goes for ex husbands, ex boyfriends, and ex friends.
10. I'm freaking amazing. If you weren't aware. And if you weren't... well.. you should be.
Most importantly, okay, maybe not THAT important... but.. I'm thirsty. So until tomorrow.. have a fantastic night!
So.. no new blogs on myspace anymore. But I'll be sure to send the updates for those of you that still check it. :)
I've also gotten requests for keeping people "posted" on the insanity that is my life. I know I'm bad about it... I hardly stay in touch with anyone, and I'm almost always up to no good. SOOOOO... I'm going to make a point... daily blogging... of just random observations, what's going on, and all that fun stuff.
So short update on all of the above....
1. My kids are back, and it freakin rocks.
2. My dog is gay. No, I'm serious, he's a flamer.
3. Fergie, my 1st ferret.. has an attitude problem that is emphasized by leaping swipes.
4. My roomie/bestest guy friend has the cutest laugh when he's laughing at the expense of #3.
5. I'm happy tomorrow is "Friday" for me. I have the 3rd off, since the 4th is on the weekend.
6. I got that warm fuzzy feeling today at work, because I actually helped someone better her life.
7. My allergies make me want to trade in my nose.
8. Bill and Ted's excellent adventure... is STILL ridiculous.
9. Exes of any sort are still retarded. That goes for ex husbands, ex boyfriends, and ex friends.
10. I'm freaking amazing. If you weren't aware. And if you weren't... well.. you should be.
Most importantly, okay, maybe not THAT important... but.. I'm thirsty. So until tomorrow.. have a fantastic night!
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